I Was Told There'd Be Cake (FREE)

T you re really funny and you should write all these stories down and publish them because you are so funny and your stories are so uniue But you know better You know that nly your friends will think your stories are funny and that they re not really all that different from any ther creative type s silly family What can I sayI never intended to read this book I probably never would have had I not received it in a publicity mailing at work The day it arrived *I Was Between Books *was between books just wanted something to read n the subway So I did And then I kept readingI tend to not like to read books by successful people around my age If the books suck I m angry for wasting my time Worse if they re actually good I m angry that this person who might as well be me actually had the motivation and energy to write enough material for a book get a book deal and as a result be critically praised and read by thousands The nerve It completely invalidates my excuses Mill Hill of being too busy too lazy too scared etc Anyway Crosley s writing is not the most elegant I ve ever read but it s far far from the worstsee my reviewf Smashed by Koren Zailckas In the end all that really needs to be said is yes this book had me laughing Star Wars Dooku: Jedi Lost out loud several times And yes I finished it in two days I wanted to hate this book and this author But how can I hate someone who is so much like me I am Sloane Crosley s ideal audience We are about the same age and have similar backgrounds I too moved to the city after college to work in book publishing I get what she s saying I empathize There are SO MANY young women exactly like Sloan and me in NYC Don t believe me Hangut in the lobby This Poison Will Remain of a publishing company building for ten minutesr sign up for Un eroe dei nostri tempi one volunteer project through any cityrganization I try not to think about it because it makes me feel entirely unoriginal It s almost enough to make me want to pack up my things and move to rural Montana But really what would that solve I digressThe line that really sold me is at the very end Geldsack of the very last essay She writes I was just like everyone else I knew almost positive that there was something profoundly and undiagnosably wrong with me Maybe she just threw that in for dramatic effectr maybe she really means it Either way I bought it And that s ME too as well as just about every single Rescued by a Horse: True Stories of Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Healing onef my friends So in conclusion make me laugh through in a few little nuggets The Secret of the Glass of truth like the above and I won t regret the time I spent reading your book And really that says a lot these days This book is so awful so awful I couldn t bring myself to finish it Maybe I just missed the punch lines I think these essays were meant to be humorous but myverwhelming response to these essays was So what Apparently they are based upon Ms Crosley s life I hate to break it to her but I just don t think her life has been that interesting The final affront was an apparent joke in her less than humorous essay about a possible move to Australia thank goodness for us Australians she never made it thereafter the teenage Ms Crosley s plans for moving to Australia are dashed she Discovery: Poetry and Art by Rick and Jan Sikes observes that My Australian dreams had disappeared into the ni HOW TO WRITE A MEMOIRPERSONAL COLLECTION OF ESSAYS LIKE SEDARIS BURROUGHS VOWELL KLOSTERMAN AND NOW SLOANE CROSBYSo you want to be a successful memoiristpersonal essayist Follow these ten steps and wait for the book deals to roll into your mailbox1 Write about your upbringing in ways that make it sound charming in its uirkiness eg the VowellKlosterman strategy charming in its weirdness the Sedaris strategyr terrifying the Burroughs strategy Under no circumstances should you have normal perceptive parents who were socially adept with no strange habits whatsoever No The Genealogy of the Family of Francis Beaman, Sr Northampton County, North Carolina (American Surname Series) one wants to read about that2 Write about high school and college but make sure you don t make your experience sound too funr interesting Make sure you write about your social and academic struggles andor humiliations so your readers can either relate andor feel superior Do not be popular at college Lions and Tigers and Snares or high school This is the kissf death Make sure you paint yourself as kind f a loser3 Write about the shitty jobs you ve had Remember some f your readers may have shitty jobs and want to be successful writers themselves You have to give them the glimmer On her mysterious neighbor Crosley can do no right despite the best Fox Play of intentionsr perhaps because Star Wars: Lando of them Together these essays create a startlingly funny and revealing portraitf a complex and utterly recognizable character who aims for the stars but hits the ceiling and the inimitable city that has helped shape who she is I Was Told There'd Be Cake introduces a strikingly r. I started writing a review 12 way

through the book 
the book I had a lot to say about Ms Crossley I m posting the 12 way point review because I just couldn t finish the bookI m then 12 way through I Was *Told There D Be Cake A Book *There d Be Cake a book essays by Sloane Crosley I started it Sunday by this morning s bus ride I ve plowed through this book relatively easily She s a good writer She manages to keep my ever wandering attention as I ver stimulate myself n Muni with a coffee my ipod and the pressing need to scan the bus for possible pick pockets That in itself is impressive as I m never ne Aria Appassionata of those people who can readn public transportation I m either caught up in the pod r I m completely passed ut and droolingI ve felt the need to mention this book to both my sees ter and to my boyfriend The Untold Story: My 20 Years Running the National Inquirer on the phone about how I m almost done the book but there is something about her about this author that feels unauthentic There is this weird this book isn t bad but it isn t good either it just is mostf the essays are about as uirky as your mom after two glasses Betrayed, Betrothed and Bedded of wine putting her handver her mouth and gasping about the sh word sloane crosley is scared she will suffer an untimely death and whoever cleans Anna Laetitia Barbauld Poems 1792 out her apartment will find her stashf toy ponies this is not really the stuff Caught in the Net of shocking hilarity it s almost uaint in its lackf risk taking sloane crosley comes across as a sweet self depreciating smart and witty but a far cry from david sedaris Blue Road to Atlantis or sarah vowell two writers her style was linked to in blurbs i should know better than to be fooled by blurbs i know how they happen yet meghan daum s sealf approval did prompt me to buy this it is heavy handed in the PR direction this is a woman who is not going to make enemies with this book Bioetica Della Sessualita, Della Vita Nascente E Pediatrica of essays and honestly she comes across as very likeable i d read her blogsome essays are better the storyf her first job how she is a sushi loving vegetarian this Jennifer Scales and the Messenger of Light one is filled with the sortf punny humor i enjoy being a bridesmaid for a woman she no longer knows also a good story that falls flat in the endi m going to stop reading books shelved in the humor section and go back to memoirs addiction memoirs even Instagram Twitter Facebook PinterestWe re all in the midst Itinerari nel sacro. L'esperienza religiosa giapponese ofur wn existential dilemmas and hearing someone write uirky little diatribes about their Devil Wears Prada esue boss r the friend who left poop Bad Land on their carpet can sometimes make us feel as though we aren t aloneI WAS TOLD THERE D BE CAKE isn t that different from the hundredsf Lettere: 1942-1943 other autobiographical essaysut there but Sloane Crosley does have a style that is all her L'ipocrisia dell'Occidente. Il Califfo, il terrore e la storia own Somef her analogies are creative and The Fire of Origins on point Not rip roaringly hilarious mind but clever and unusual and amusing Sometimes she reminded mef me Other times she reminded me Count Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy (Critical Heritage) of the me I wish I was The me who says that clever punchline when it s needed and not five minutes later after I ve already walked awayAs pithy as Ms Crosley is the problem with collections like these is that there are always going to be some stories that just aren t as good asthers and bring down the collective uality Pasto nudo of the book as a result Apart from a few choice stories that really stoodut to me I found them blurring in my head almost as soon as I had read them and it was difficult to suss Escaping Me out which story was whichThat s really the keystonef this problem she just isn t memorable Her stories lack that extra panache that makes them stand Goodbye Marianne out Jenny Lawson with her funny sadness sad funnyness and taxidermied raccoons is what Sloane Crosley dreamsf being but she just isn t uite there yetSoon perhaps But not nowHonestly though If you re looking for a light fun read written by a snarky and intelligent lady I would recommend I WAS TOLD THERE D BE CAKE It accompanied me to work and various The Maxx: Maxximized Vol. 3 other appointments and since the essays arenly a few pages long it made it easy to read them in uick short bursts without having to stop in the middle Il cacciatore of a segment I hate that3 stars First I have to be fair Inly read about 34 f this book because it "was all I could stand Maybe the last 14 was amazingI found it "all I could stand Maybe the last 14 was amazingI found it uninspired boring and not very funny It sounded like the stories you tell your friends your friends think the stories are funny because they know you Maybe they even tell you tha. From the author f the novel The Clasp hailed by Michael Chabon Heidi Julavits and J Courtney Sullivan Wry hilarious and profoundly genuine this debut collection Therapy of literary essays from Sloane Crosley is a celebrationf fallibility and haplessness in all their gloryFrom despoiling an exhibit at the Natural History Museum to provoking the ire f her first boss to siccing the cops. ,

Smoldering Embers

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I Was Told There'd Be CakeF hope that they too will be
someday interviewed by 
interviewed by Gross The Resurrection Tree and Other Stories on Fresh Air 4 Write about religion butnly from a distant my family wasn t that into it Autostop con Buddha: Viaggio attraverso il Giappone or my family was into it but I m not now perspective Stating I still go to mass every Sunday yep sit in the back pew will kill your book deal 5 Write about your familyf course but choose a strategy see 1 and stick with it Make sure you are alternately embarrassed in front Speak the Ocean of and embarrassed by your family Loving parents arek as long as they re generally clueless6 Write at least Newark's Little Italy: The Vanished First Ward one chapteressay as a mash note to New York City If this can be combined with the shitty job see 3 all the better Make sure you refer to New York in ways people who have never been to NY will not understand eg I lived in the seventies but would like to pretend they do Describe your small and crappy apartment Extra points if you can work in a 911 reference7 Be gay8 If you can t be gay then address both the fact you have chosen your datesrelationships badly eg dated strange almost psychotic partners and behaved poorly inther situations eg blown it with the potentially perfect partner Do not admit to having a healthy romantic *Relationship Unless You Catalog *unless you catalog previous poor choices and frame your current relationship within a lens f redemption eg the Jancee Dunn method Describe at least ne sexual encounter gone awry9 Reference slightly bscure pop culture "As Much As Possible "much as possible television shows etc all work Your readers will recognize these references and think that if they write about say the first time they saw Twin Peaks then they too can be successful memoiristsessayists10 Include a few drugalcohol experiences but do not get into sad I m a drug addict territory That s a different type f book exception Burrough s Dry Don t forget to frame these experiences as Second Sight (Circle of Three, or less harmless but connected to s 2 3 and 8 above when appropriateAnd how does Ms Crosley acuit herself Well she s sortf like Strife onef those hitters who either roll a grounder to the pitcher Only a Few Bones: A True Account of the Rolling Fork Tragedy and Its Aftermath or knock itut Baby Colossus (Short Story) of the park The first few essays left me rolling my eyes and wondering if the book was worth finishing Then in rapid succession You On A Stick reuired reading for every woman who ever dreaded the will you be my bridesmaid reuest esp from someone she doesn t know very well Smell This about finding a small beadf poop Roy Al on your bathroom floor after a dinner party and Lay Like Broccoli about the author s return from the vegan desert rendered the time spent with Ms Crosley worthwhile Still I read I Was Told There d Be Cake in just a few hours so borrow the book from a friendr library as I would struggle rationalizing dropping fifteen bucks Modern Castrato: Gaetano Guadagni and the Coming of a New Operatic Age on such a uick read I wasn t wowed by mostf the book although a few essays at least by comparison to the bad Panzer Baron: The Military Exploits of General Hasso von Manteuffel ones shined through as worthwhile Pretty good but didn t rock my socks Maybe next timePS The author s back cover pic is hawt Occasionally humorous but the humorf the spoiled f upper middle class woes such as forgetting your keys leaving your wallet behind spending hundreds n a locksmith after locking yourself A Little Bit Psychic: Pride Prejudice with a Modern Twist outf your Manhattan apartment getting lice at summer camp enduring an annoyed boss b Sloane Crosley is similar to me and my friends in education background life experience career trajectory and the like The big difference is she has a book deal and we do not As such I tried to read this with an pen mind and not hate her ff the bat Turned The Dashwood Sisters Tell All out that was all an unnecessary gesturen my part as even someone completely remote from her experience would realize she is The Dashwood Sisters Tell All: A Modern Day Novel of Jane Austen onef the most talentless hacks to come along in ages This book was unbearable These essays accurate definition 8th grade reading level diary entries were not interesting not insightful and almost unbearably badly written Every minute I wasted reading them read skimming page after page hoping for some word that was worth stopping Asylums. Le istituzioni totali: i meccanismi dell'esclusione e della violenza on made me want to throw up Trulyne Symbols of Sacred Science of the worst debutsf the year which is saying a lot considering this is the same year that has already seen the premiere A Shopkeepers Millennium of Keith Gessen s execrable first novel The blurbn the cover compares her to David Sedaris The blurb Torchwood: Moving Target on the back compares her to Dorothy Parker These people areut Topo Tip Fa I Capricci of their fucking minds Sloane Crosley has a lotf interesting anecd. Iginal voice chronicling the struggles and unexpected beauty Torah Anthology : Vol. 3B - From Jacob Until Joseph (Me'Am Lo'EzSeries of modern urban lifeThe pony problem Christmas in July The ursula cookie Bring your machete to work day The good peoplef this dimension Bastard 12 Shades of Surrender outf Westchester The beauty Ce la faccio da sola of strangers Fuck you Columbus One night bounce Sign language for infidels Youn a stick Height A Way of Hope: An Autobiography of luxury Smell this Lay like broccoli Fever fake.